Satireday Evening Post

Bin Ladin and Bill Keller

2006-06-23T12:58:00.000-04:00

Senate Judiciary Committee Holds Hearings

2006-02-06T09:46:00.000-05:00

The Senate Judiciary Committee is currently holding hearings on the recently revealed NSA surveillance program that tracks terrorist communications. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence (i.e. the Senate committee that actually oversees intelligence operations like the NSA program in question) apparently did not, to use the words of ranking Democrat Jay Rockefeller, "feel qualified" to carry out their assigned duties. The Senators who made Mrs. Alito cry, however, apparently feel that they are qualified to pass judgment on national security issues due to the recent experience of their own Charles Schumer with illegal violations of U.S. citizens' privacy. Of course, Senator Schumer was merely spying on political opponents, thus there will be no need for him to recuse himself from hearings dealing with the legality of spying on terrorists.

In related news, the Judiciary Committee is also planning to hold hearings regarding the voting procedures of the House Ways and Means committee and the Senate Appropriations Committee. Chairman Spectre has expressed his outrage that other congressmen were actually allocating funds to various projects without allowing the Judiciary Committee an opportunity to hold televised hearings on the legality of such expenditures. Some sources have also leaked or, in Rockefellerspeak, "blown the whistle" on further Judiciary Committee plans to install its own "Commissioners" in every other congressional committee along with other such "Commissioners" who would oversee the work of every executive branch agency. It is expected that the Judiciary Committee will issue a "Little Red Book" outlining such plans in the near future.

Peace be unto you...

2006-02-03T13:20:00.000-05:00

Adherents of the religion of peace assembled around the world today to discuss their views on freedom in light of the recent furor over a couple of Danish cartoons.

Those pictured here were upset at the unfair association of Mohammed and Islam with terrorism in said cartoons.

When viewing this photo, the editor in chief of The Satireday Evening Post could only say "Apparently the goat eating camel jockeys were assured that no U.S. Marines would be in the area that day."

Muslims Protest

2006-02-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

Muslim groups in the United States, along with various groups like the ACLU that oppose America, are protesting the recently revealed NSA program designed to monitor the international communications of terror networks.

The White House issued the following response:

Kennedy Opposes Minorities

2006-01-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press:

During the recent Judiciary Committee hearings on the Supreme Court nomination of Judge Samuel Alito, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Chappaquiddick) was overheard saying:

"People nowadays just don't seem to know their place. Everywhere one turns, blacks and Hispanics are demanding jobs simply because they're black and Hispanic. The physically handicapped are trying to gain equal representation in professional sports. And homosexuals are demanding the government vouchsafe them the right to bear children."

Rumor has it that Kennedy's fellow Democrat, Senator Robert Byrd (D-KKK), is working with Kennedy to sponsor legislation designed to keep the listed minorities and special interest groups "in their place."

Kennedy spokesmen at the Dailykos blog were unavailable for comment.

Twas The Night Before Christmas (1968)

2005-12-16T14:40:00.000-05:00

Due to John Kerry's recent attacks on American servicemen and his continuing refusal to disclose his military records (including the less-than-honorable discharge he received for his aid to the Vietnamese Communists and the subsequent cover-up by the Carter administration), it is only fair to have a little fun at his expense...again! Without further ado...

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1968)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Sa Dec,
not a creature was stirring, although Brinkley didn't check;
John's swift boat was berthed by the dock with great care,
Far from Cambodia--he was not there;

John Kerry was nestled, though not yet in bed,
while visions of Purple Hearts danced in his head;
Kerry had his pen, composing Citations,
For himself, of course, complete fabrications;

Many years later, there arose such a clatter,
We all started wondering, what was the matter?
Then spoke the veterans, who did not forget,
John Kerry's a liar, on that you can bet!

The light of the truth shown on decades of lies,
Was ignored by the media because of their ties;
To the leftist crusade, no more, no less,
Although they proclaimed their impartialness.

Then came the blogosphere, researching and quoting,
To embarrass the press, who were too busy doting;
On Kerry, of course, who else would they love?
The leftist war hero, the militant dove.

John Kerry's responses, weeks later they came,
And he blustered and whined and called the vets names;
He claimed a conspiracy, nothing else but a smear,
But answers to questions, he wouldn't get near!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So Kerry's campaign flew out of control,
With no one to blame, he dug his own hole.

And then in a twinkling, the voters, they knew,
John could not be trusted, his word was not true;
He betrayed his comrades, he betrayed the nation,
Which goes far beyond his medal inflation.

He swapped stories fast, while the media spun,
But despite Kerry's tap dance, we knew he was done;
Yet we heard him exclaim, ere he fell out of sight,
How dare you question what I did that night!

Star player benched, owner fined

2005-12-07T17:16:00.000-05:00

In a surprise move, star terrorist Abu Musab al Zarqawi has been permanently benched by his team for his performance at recent "home games." Spokesmen for the Bini Hasan tribe expressed dismay at Zarqawi's conduct, both on and off the field, and said that Zarqawi will never play in Jordan again.

Meanwhile, Iran, the owner of the Hizballah franchise, has issued public statements to the effect that they would love to have Zarqawi on their team. League commissioner, Usama bin Laden, has reprimanded Iran for attempting to sign a terrorist under contract with a competing franchise and has referred the matter for arbitration. Syrian President Bashir alAssad has offered to mediate the matter due to the fact that the league official in charge of such arbitrations, Muammar Qhaddafi, has failed to show up for work since the U.S. led invasion of Iraq in 2003.

Zarqawi himself has been unavailable for comment and rumors persist that his agent is currently being held incommunicado in a secret CIA prison in eastern Europe. Other players have also been reluctant to comment on the situation, although several have expressed their intention to hold out from training camp until they negotiate better deals with their respective franchises.

Congressional Quagmire

2005-11-16T09:13:00.000-05:00

Still reeling from a recent string of electoral victories, Republicans in Congress are currently bogged down in their attempts to surrender to the Democrats. From the infamous "gang of 14" to the current attempt to assist the Democrats in undermining the war effort, the GOP Representatives and Senators are still struggling to find a way to end the war in Washington and hand over control of the U.S. government to their enemies in what has been variously described as a "withdrawal with honor" or a "Democratization of Congress."

Unidentified sources within the GOP have described the ongoing Republican effort as "bogged down" and as a "quagmire." One irate GOP staffer offered this explanation: "Every time we succeed in finding a way to extricate ourselves from this conflict with the Democrats, the voters add fuel to the fire by re-electing Republicans. This insanity must end and we are committed to avoiding conflict with our Democrat fellow travellers at all cost."

Signs of the intense feelings of the Republican congressmen on this issue can be seen in the slogans that are starting to appear on bumper stickers and buttons. Noted party leaders have been spotted displaying slogans as varied as "No Conflict for Conscience". . . "No Perks for Principles". . . and "Conservatism Is Not My Voice."

Clinton Introduces Oslo 2.0

2005-11-15T11:23:00.000-05:00

In a recent speech delivered at an event held to mark the tenth anniversary of of the assassination of Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin, Bill Clinton announced the latest version of his plan for mideast peace. "We're calling it Olso 2.0" said Clinton, "It is a natural continuation of the enormous success that resulted from the original Oslo Accords and with the transfer of modern military hardware and bomb-making technology to the Palestinian Authority, we will have peace in our time." Clinton went on to specify a few details of Oslo 2.0:

"Hamas will be the designated transfer agent for introducing these new technologies, because no other organization has shown greater commitment to the principles of the original Oslo Accords."

"It is time to make the peace process an equal opportunity event and break down class barriers. No longer will Palestinian children affiliated with impoverished insurgent groups be embarrassed by the poor quality of their homemade freedom devices. No longer will technologically challenged insurgents be caught, er, uh, illegally stopped at border checkpoints due to lack of basic concealment materials."

"My experience with similar transfers of technology to Communist China convinces me that it will work in Gaza as well as it worked in Beijing. Just look at China today, see how peaceful it is in the province of Tibet."

During a brief question and answer session following his speech, Clinton expressed his desire to someday lead a "Million Muslim March" in the streets of Jerusalem to celebrate peace in the Holy Land, adding "Oslo 2.0 will achieve the final solution to this problem that has plagued the region since 1948."

IDF spokesmen were not available for comment due to an unscheduled mobilization that was called immediately following Clinton's last remark.

Alito is Catholic, Liberals shocked

2005-11-14T12:40:00.000-05:00

In response to a recent scoop by the Washington Times' Bill Sammon, liberal individuals and groups have expressed their shock and dismay that Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito once wrote that he could find no support in the Constitution for a right to abort a child. Howard Dean expressed his disbelief that Alito, an admitted Roman Catholic, would "dare to subscribe to such unholy belief" that is "so far out of the mainstream" adding that "I can't understand how someone who was raised a Catholic could not respect the sacrament of abortion and I should know, I'm a doctor and I know things." Dean's personal physician was not available for comment as he was busy obtaining an emergency refill on the DNC Chairman's medications.

Other liberals were equally vociferous in their condemnation of Alito. At a local NARAL temple, worshippers were threatening to become pregnant so they could have a "protest abortion" while church leaders were busy double checking their tax exemptions before taking their private jet to Barbados for an emergency filibuster planning session with the leaders of the Senate Democrats.

Meanwhile, at the National Archives, an exhuastive search of the U.S. Constitution failed to reveal any mention of "abortion." A former law clerk for Harry Blackmun who asked to remain anonymous has pledged to renew the search, stating "I know I left it in here somewhere."

Wherefore art thou, Horatio?

2005-11-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

From Lord Macaulay's Horatius:

Then out spake brave Horatius,
The Captain of the gate:
"To every man upon this earth
Death cometh soon or late.
And how can man die better
Than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers,
And the temples of his Gods, "

Modern leftist version:

Forth stood the shifty lawyer,
Beloved of Lenin's brood:
"Let every man and woman
Be taxed be they ne'er so rude.
For I do it for the children,
Those against me I shall curse.
And how can it be better spent
Than howe'er fills my purse."

Paristinian State

2005-11-11T14:27:00.000-05:00

Kofi Annan is currently urging the U.N. member states to support a pending resolution that would declare the United Nations' support for creation of a Paristinian state. In a surprise move, Ambassador Bolton announced his endorsement of the resolution stating: "Given the U.N's resounding success in it's continuing operations in support of Hamas' terrorist attacks in Israel, it is only fair to assume that it will provide equally capable support to the freedom fighters and insurgents along the Seine."In unrelated news, a Frenchman known only as Roland and a Spaniard who prefers to be identified as "El Cid" held a press conference in the quaint little town of Roncevalles to announce their agreement to "cooperate in the defense of Christendom." When asked to comment on this development, Jacque Chirac replied: "This is just the type of animosity towards France's history of tolerance and multiculturalism that requires more taxes to expand the reach of our social welfare system. It's really George W. Bush's fault." Local Huguenot leaders could not be reached for comment.